A man appears in court requesting a divorce. After reviewing the papers, the judge turns to him. ¡°Please tell me why I should grant this,¡± he asks.
"Because,¡± the man replies, ¡°we live in a two-storey house.¡±
The judge looks at him sternly. ¡°What kind of a reason is that? What¡¯s the big deal about a two-storey house?¡±
"Well, your honour,¡± the man answers, ¡°one story is ¡®I have a headache¡¯ and the other story is ¡®It¡¯s that time of the month again, honey¡¯.¡±
At the back of the cinema, a girl and a boy are kissing passionately ¨C until they finally stop and come up for air.
"Look,¡± pants the boy, ¡°I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum?¡±
"Oh, that¡¯s not chewing gum,¡± replies the girl. ¡°I¡¯ve got bronchitis.¡±
There were 3 men in court for supply of drugs. The judge tells them if they can convince people in one week, not to take drugs they would not go to jail, but they had to use a diagram of 1 big circle and 1 small circle.
So the 3 men went away and came back a week later.
The judge calls the first man, who says he convinced 50 not to take drugs. He said the big circle is your ring of friendship before you take drugs and the small circle is your ring of friendship after you take drugs.
The judge tells him to go home and not to sell drugs again.
So next the judge calls upon defendant number 2. He said he convinced 100 people not to take drugs by telling them the big circle was the size of your brain before you take drugs and the small being the size after.
The judge told him good and also not to get involved in drugs again.
So now the judge calls the third and final guy to stand. He said he convinced 500 not to take drugs. The judge is well pleased by this time and says how did you do that. He said that the small circle is the size off your asshole before you go to jail and the large circle is the size of it when you come out.
It was the mail man¡¯s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
But the surprise came only at the fourth house where he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led
him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and a cold glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice.
And just before he stood up to leave, she poured him a cup of steaming aromatic coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup¡¯s bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words,¡± he said, ¡°but what¡¯s the dollar for?¡±
"Well,¡± she said, ¡°last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what should I give to you.¡± He said, ¡°Screw him, give him a dollar!¡±
The lady then said, ¡°But I¡¯d like to say the breakfast was my idea.¡±
Family Problems...
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a
conversation. One of them kept complaining of
family problems. Finally, the other man said:"You
think you have family problems? Listen to my
situation."
"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a
grown-up daughter. We got married and I got
myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married
my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my
step-mother. And my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-
in-law."
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my
stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-
brother because he was my father's son. But he
was also the son of my wife's daughter which made
him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-
father of my half-brother."
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a
son. Now the half-sister of my son, my
stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes
my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whos!
e stepsister is my father's wife, I am my
stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own
child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am
my OWN GRANDFATHER!"
"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!"