Lets share some jokes!!!
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haiz, abit borliaow. But nvm,here's mine.
The Little Girl and The Bird
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire." -
few hours ago... mooku told me a dirty joke.....
its bout a pig wallowing in mud... -
here's another:
Power 98
This is really really very funny.....
Below conversation really happened on S'pore radio recently I think some of you had heard it on the radio too.
Presenter: Good morning. This is Power 98 and do you want to play a game?
Contestant: Yeah, why not.
Presenter: Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give an answer that is opposite to what I have said. For eg: when I say "sharp", you have to answer "blunt". OK?
Contestant: Ok.
Presenter: Sun.
Contestant: Moon.
Presenter: Black.
Contestant: White.
Presenter: Tall.
Contestant: Short.
Presenter: Dog.
Contestant: Cat.
Presenter: Man.
Contestant: Woman.
Presenter: Cock.
Contestant: Chibai!
**RADIO SILENCE
Presenter: These things sometimes happen and we are on live. Let's take a commercial break here.
__________________ -
Kinda heard that one before already..
That game
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" -
Penis Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from Human Resources
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags! -
funny sial...
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A True Story
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and ???y, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once..
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car! -
haha... heard this b4, but it was e sister instead of e mother in lawOriginally posted by CenturionMBT:A True Story
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and ???y, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once..
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car! -
tatoos!! hehhe
a man decided to celebrate his marriage
by getting a tatoo done on his ????.
so he went to a tatoo parlour and had the
words "hanna" written, but when his
???? was not erect, only 2 words 'H' & 'A'
can be seen.
and then the couple went for their honey
moon in jamaica and decided to visit a nudist
beach.
suddenly, the husband saw another
jamaican man with a similar tatoo on his
???? with the words 'H' & 'A'.. he asked the
man if his tatoo said "Hanna" too but the
jamaican man said:
"no..no...mine says 'hi i am tom, welcome to jamaica'...." -
His & Her Diary
pls read..hehe
>> >HER diary:
>>>
>>>He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a bar
for a
>>>drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought
it
>>>might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised,
but
>>>he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow
>>>going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we
could
>>>talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL
acting
>>>a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether
it
>>>was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't
>>>really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that
I
>>>loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know
what
>>>the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or
anything.
>>>We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to
leave
>>>me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
>>>Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. After about 10
minutes, he
>>>joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed
really
>>>distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but I just cried
>>>myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I
really
>>>think he's seeing someone else.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>HIS diary:
>>>
>> >Manchester Utd. lost today. Got laid though ... -
Ok thats all for tonight. Will post more tmr porning. . . i mean morning
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Regarding that First joke about the radio one, i thought there's this 7 seconds delay between the actual and the broadcasted? So the content can be filtered accordingly.
Other than that, thanks for the contribution. Did make me laugh on a few occasion. Hahaha. -
Thats a gd one..very typical singaporean lea..if me, i think i may also gv same ans cos is lik very automatic in my mind liao...Originally posted by CenturionMBT:here's another:
Power 98
This is really really very funny.....
Below conversation really happened on S'pore radio recently I think some of you had heard it on the radio too.
Presenter: Good morning. This is Power 98 and do you want to play a game?
Contestant: Yeah, why not.
Presenter: Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give an answer that is opposite to what I have said. For eg: when I say "sharp", you have to answer "blunt". OK?
Contestant: Ok.
Presenter: Sun.
Contestant: Moon.
Presenter: Black.
Contestant: White.
Presenter: Tall.
Contestant: Short.
Presenter: Dog.
Contestant: Cat.
Presenter: Man.
Contestant: Woman.
Presenter: Cock.
Contestant: Chibai!
**RADIO SILENCE
Presenter: These things sometimes happen and we are on live. Let's take a commercial break here.
__________________
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You are welcome. Glad to be able to brighten up some ppl's day.Originally posted by AdAptAliS:Regarding that First joke about the radio one, i thought there's this 7 seconds delay between the actual and the broadcasted? So the content can be filtered accordingly.
Other than that, thanks for the contribution. Did make me laugh on a few occasion. Hahaha. -
As promised, first joke for this morning.
OMV of singapore women
Theory of a typical Singaporean woman's market value... here
goes...
20-23: Value is the highest. Most guys around the same age or
slightly
older are in the army or had just ord. So desperate for
companionship
and a sense of belonging and identity. So gals here can afford to
pick,
choose and dump. The gals at this stage are also the most haolian.
Becoz
of the attention they're getting, they are usually naive enuff to
think
that theyre some Jennifer Aniston or Elle macpherson.
24-26: The gals shud be engaged in a steady relationship. Trying
to work
things out with a boy fren. of coz, they may still date other guys
and
choose the best for themselves. some lucky ones are talking abt
marriage
liao. Some may still play the field or may be waiting for the
appearance
of that elusive tall, dark, handsome and rich knight.
26-28: Gals in this cat are usually in a steady relationship.
Should be
married at this age. Gals at this age group are not so haolian any
more
and are much more courteous and give more care and value to their
relationship. Gals still unattached at this age will usually
realise
they're not that desirable & lower their standards.
28-30: Those attached and not yet married will start to pressure
the boy
frens to marry them, knowing that their biological clock are
ticking and
their market value diving. Unattached ones will usually put up a
brave
front and swear that they're fine with celibacy, which in actual
fact,
panicking inside.
30 and above: Lelong... lelong... -
C'mon pple, share your own also lehz, be it plain or funny, just send.
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Abt the tattoo joke, i heard a similar one too.
But instead he tattooed ADIDAS on his ....
and when he was on honeymoon, his wife gave him a slap coz she saw the word 'AIDS' on his .... -
A cop is stalking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the iginition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says,"How is this possible?"
The guy says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy". -
Here's mine!
Baby penguin went up to his Dad and asked, "Daddy! daddy! Am i a penguin?"
Dad replied, "Of course you are."
then baby penguin walked and bumped onto his mum and asked, "mummy, Am i a penguin?"
W/o 2nd thots, his mum gave him one tight slap and said, "of course you are!"
The baby penguin went to others asking the same question about whether he was a penguin.
Finally, he went to his Grandpa and asked the same question.
Grandpa said, "ya of course you are my dear. Why do you ask?"
Baby Penguin, "Because i feel cold ..." -
A guy walked into a bar and said, "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing: he ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy said, "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"
The bartender said, "Why?"
The guy replied, "You're violent when you're drunk!" -
>>>Event: An insect falls into a mug of beer....
Reactions:
Englishman:
Throws his mug away and walks out
American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Japanese:
Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free
Indian:
Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a
new mug of beer.
Pakistani:
-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer
-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer. -
once there was a pub that served only vampires.
one day, a vampire walked into the pub and asked for a glass of blood. the bartender served him a glass.
then, another vampire came in and asks for a glass of blood as well. as did another, and another and another.
out of the blue, a vampire walks in and asks for a glass of hot water.
Puzzled, the bartender asks him,
"why did u ask for a glass of hot water, while others asked for blood?"
the vampire took a sanitary pad out from his cloak and said sheepishly,
"I've got a tea-bag." -
Two elderly gents are taking a leak in a public toilet when one notices the other gent is pissing with two streams.
"What the hell is that?¡± he asks.
"War wound,¡± replies the other. ¡°I took a revolver bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes.¡±
"Me too,¡± says the first ¨C showing he¡¯s pissing with three streams. ¡°War wound, Germany. It was a high-powered rifle.¡±
At this point, a young lad stands between them ¨C and shoots 12 streams of amber liquid onto the porcelain.
"My God, exclaims the second veteran. ¡°Did you get that from a machine gun?¡±
"No uncle,¡± says the youngster, incredulously, ¡°My zip¡¯s stuck.¡± -
Late one evening, a man is watching television when his phone rings.
"Hello?¡± he answers.
"Is that 777-7777?¡± sounds a desperate voice on the other end of the phone.
"Er, yes it is,¡± replies the man, puzzled.
"Thank God! "cries the caller, relieved. ¡°Can you ring 999 for me? I¡¯ve got my finger stuck in the number 7.¡±