Please review this essay I have written before I submit it
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Looking outside my window,got bird and boy. Boy eat bird, bird die. I see a rainbow outside. It was very colourful. I am happy because it is very beautiful. I see children playing with balls outside. All kind of balls. Football, basketball, baseball, volleyball....
My mom and dad come into my room and sit beside me on my bed. They look outside the window too. My mom is sitting on my right and dad is sitting on my left. They are happy that I am happy. Suddenly, some sparrows flew past. Our family dog then jumped out of the window to catch some birds.
Our dog is a very active dog. He eats a lot. He is an active dog who eat a lots. This is why he is active. However, he is not a very clever dog because he is mad. When he jumped out of the window to catch the birds, he forgot that our family lives on the twenty fifth floor. Dog die. Me sad.
This is a bad day for me looking outside the window because I am sad. I am sad because my parents just bought the dog yesterday. We are sad. Suddenly an aeroplane flies past the window. We forget about our dog and very surprised because we never seen an aeroplane before. As a result, we are happy because the aeroplane is exciting.
My mom is talking to me, but i continue looking out the window. She screams, but i still look outside the window. I am deaf because of the large sound from the aeroplane. We are sad again, buy happy because the rainbow is still in the sky.
This is an exciting day outside my window.
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Originally posted by 3PLY Pure Pulp:
Looking outside my window,got bird and boy. Boy eat bird, bird die. I see a rainbow outside. It was very colourful. I am happy because it is very beautiful. I see children playing with balls outside. All kind of balls. Football, basketball, baseball, volleyball....
My mom and dad come into my room and sit beside me on my bed. They look outside the window too. My mom is sitting on my right and dad is sitting on my left. They are happy that I am happy. Suddenly, some sparrows flew past. Our family dog then jumped out of the window to catch some birds.
Our dog is a very active dog. He eats a lot. He is an active dog who eat a lots. This is why he is active. However, he is not a very clever dog because he is mad. When he jumped out of the window to catch the birds, he forgot that our family lives on the twenty fifth floor. Dog die. Me sad.
This is a bad day for me looking outside the window because I am sad. I am sad because my parents just bought the dog yesterday. We are sad. Suddenly an aeroplane flies past the window. We forget about our dog and very surprised because we never seen an aeroplane before. As a result, we are happy because the aeroplane is exciting.
My mom is talking to me, but i continue looking out the window. She screams, but i still look outside the window. I am deaf because of the large sound from the aeroplane. We are sad again, buy happy because the rainbow is still in the sky.
This is an exciting day outside my window.
I still remember this ''essay'' from quite a no. of forums ( including asiasoft forums ).
It was said that this was originally written by a Pri School Malaysian boy, though I cannot verify that.
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if i am the teacher i will give you 100/100
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erm... too many fillers...
Sounds like you need to fill up a 250 words quota but ran out of stuff to say... lol
Nontheless, good effort..
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Haha , excellent?
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25th floor can see children playing with football basketball baseball volleyball?
u shd jump down with ur dog -
i give u an A... A for atrocious...
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.........
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Maybe the boy is from pri sch?? But this is atrocious for primary school standards even.
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This is one of the worst essays i have seen...
Grammatical errors aside, i notice writer's block, the essay does not give the reader at least a brief outline of the plot, instead, it switched from one point of focus to another...very confusing....
However, it is quite entertaining because the from the 25th floor, you can still see children playing with balls. The writer can see the children probably he's either got eyes of a hawk or the children are playing on the 25th floor....
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HuH
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Originally posted by Master -_-:
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Too Long
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Originally posted by Master -_-:
should be e for idiot lol. -
zzzzzzzzz
