QiBo Jokes collection 1
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A Malaysian dies and goes to hell.There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country.He goes first to the German hell and asks: "What do
they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in
and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks
out the American hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.He
discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.Then the Malaysian devil comes
in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
many people waiting to get in? "
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former
Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the
canteen for teh-tarik..." -
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech and at age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!" -
There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.''
One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said, ''The red ribbon is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him.
One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.''Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could." -
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.
The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!" -
These 2 soldiers are serving in Bosnia. The town they are in is like a ghost town, there are bombs going off everywhere and they haven't seen a living person for over a week.
As they're walking through the streets one of them decides that he really has to take a shit. They see a building that doesn't look too dangerous and get down on their stomachs and crawl towards it, dodging shells as they go.
The first soldier decides to keep watch while his friend takes a shit in the building. After spending an hour in the building, the soldier finally comes out with his trousers round his ankles and sweat pouring off his forehead.
His partner says to him -"Fuckin Hell! What took you so long? You were gone for an hour!!"
The soldier replies -"You wouldn't believe it! I went in there to take a shit and I saw this girl so I walked over to her and started fucking her! My God she was brilliant, I fucked her in every room, in every position I could think of, even up the arse and she didn't even flinch!"
His mate replies - "Holy Shit! Did she give you a blowjob?"
To which the soldier replies - "Erm no, I couldn t find the head..." -
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put $5,000 in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'__________________
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father. -
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!" -
Bill Clinton's Retirement Plans
10. Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13 half-brothers and sisters.
9. Tour the nation's prisons to improve conditions and visit his friends that didn't get a pardon.
8. Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."
7. Buy a Hooter's franchise in Arkansas.
6. Catch up on eight-year stack of "Penthouse".
5. Search for a new outlet for well-developed lying and cheating skills.
4. Continue work-counseling interns.
3. Stop using fake names in personal ads.
2. Take little Buddy out three times a day - also walk the dog.
1. Get to know those Gore girls better.These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me screw you."
Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!"
Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.
They flipped a coin and Larry won.
Still having strong reservation Joe asked,
"How will you tell if it hurts or not?"
Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.
But if it feels good start singing."
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River . -
A drunkard jobless Indian stumbled onto a lamp. He rubbed on it and a
magical genie Singh with a turban appeared and said "I grant you two
wishes, Macha.."
The Indian thought for a while and said "OK, I want to be rich like a Chinaman!
Poof! When the smoke disappeared, the Indian was smartly dressed, hair jelled and combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt complete with handphone in
hand.
As he walked towards his brand new shiny Mercedes, he noticed his own reflection.
Not only was he smartly dressed, he was also much fairer in complexion.
The shocked Indian angrily summoned the genie and complained "Are you
deaf or what? I said I wanted to be rich like a Chinaman, not become a
Chinaman!"
I don't want to be a Chinaman because they cheat, lie and con their way to become rich..."
The genie reminded him that he's entitled to one more wish "What do you want then, Muthu?"
To which Muthu quickly replied "I just want to be rich and I don't want to work!"
Poof! He was transformed into a Bumiputra... -
Great jokes dude
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What do you get when you put 100 Chinamen under a printing press?
The Yellow Pages
What do you get when you put 100 Indians under a printing press? A
year's supply of carbon paper.What's the first thing that come to your mind when you see a Chinese man
driving a BMW?
A pimp.
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Malay man
driving a BMW?
Ahmad.
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see an Indian man
driving a BMW?
A car jockey.
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Bhai driving
a BMW?
A car repossessor. -
Once during the gulf war, the President of USA, and the Prime Ministers of UK and Singapore were travelling on a warship that was cruising near S.Arabia.
The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were; their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.
The Pres. of USA said, "let me show u what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said "Jump into the sea and swim 3 rounds around this ship!". The Colonel replied "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the successful 3 rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam Mr. President!". The proud US President replied "That's what I call guts!".
The Prime Minister of UK was pissed. He had to show. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 rounds around This ship!". The General replied "Anything for the Queen, Sir", jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like gila!(lunatic). After the successful 10 rounds the 3-star General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen!". The proud UK PM replied "That's what I call guts!"
The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot tahan. He had to show that his
soldiers have it too. He called one of his Private, Ah Beng and said "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 rounds around this ship!".
The Private replied "Oi, you siao(crazy) izzit? I juz bought my condo and I Am paying through my nose. Now, U want me to jump and die? If u want to Hao lian (show off), you jump into the sea yourself ! @#*&%F!........
The Singapore PM grinned and said "Now,that's what I call guts!" -
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator.
The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!"
The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!" -
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These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d
h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y
I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e
s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g
w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I
t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d,
s..h..e c..o u l d d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t
b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t
t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s" -
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