'DIRTY' JOKES
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my personal jokes are mostly racist, and i bet you guys wont like it. ;D
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Boobs & Willies
A family were sitting around the supper table. The son asked his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father surprised, answered,"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm . In her thirties to forties, they have looked like pears, still nice but hanging a bit . After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
" Yes, see them and they'll make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said: "Mum, how Many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiled and looked at her daughter and answered, "Well , dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas Tree.
" A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, of course, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
"Ooo... what's a pity.... Only decoration, Dad?" -
Lmao, christmas tree with 2 balls.
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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said,
"We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said,
"Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said,
"Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache." -
Originally posted by latte kid:
The other day I went to the local religious book store and I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go Jesus Christ, Go!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And it's a good thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.this is funny
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nice
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lol! ^^
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One of the best thread in this forum
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There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and
she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young
boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but
don't let him do that.
" She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going
to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to
get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that,
but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and
could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old
lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family.
When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his
family." -
How she disgrace him?
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she ride on him. lols
so next one.
40 ways Men Fail in BED
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour & trying to get your money's worth by cutting out non-essentials. A proper
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your birthday cake!
3) NOT SHAVING. Guys often forget they have a porcupine strapped to their chins, which they rake repeatedly across their partner's face and thighs. So when she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion it's avoidance!
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing melons for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair.Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive & they can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending
they're a doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body, which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!
GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt
region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to
be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney, which is OK in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. Better to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks looks stupid.
1 GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the
worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool
she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your
technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear (with reason). If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. You may think that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there and don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
2 MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying
there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her
gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax
and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped
hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
3 NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on
trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen. -
Originally posted by latte kid:
here goes 2nd one
An American business man went to Japan, and one day he decided to hire some hooker,
the whole night the hooker was screaming "hoshimota! hoshimota!"
he cant really remember what the word meant, but he is positive he please the hooker till the best of his ability.
the next morning, he plays golf with the japanese business partner, when he score hole in one. Everyone was congratulating him in Japanese, he cant think of anything to say but, "hosimota".
Out of concern, his partner ask him what does he mean wrong hole?But then a Jap after hearing your joke would say 'Hashimota' SimilanJiaow?
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Originally posted by latte kid:
my personal jokes are mostly racist, and i bet you guys wont like it. ;D
I dont like rascist jokes cuz I am no racist either but if it is about your race I dont mind listening>LOL -
to : shortninja
Japanese businessman are not like we teenagers lo, not every sentence also have to eat with f***, cb, lj, knn, nb, lp and so on. Lol :D
im chinese, and i dont have chinese jokes, :DDD -
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
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There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
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Originally posted by latte kid:
to : shortninja
Japanese businessman are not like we teenagers lo, not every sentence also have to eat with f***, cb, lj, knn, nb, lp and so on. Lol :D
im chinese, and i dont have chinese jokes, :DDD
Hashimoto is a surname and not a word in the Japanese Dictionary-That's why the joke would not be funny to a Japanese -
Originally posted by Short Ninja:
Hashimoto is a surname and not a word in the Japanese Dictionary-That's why the joke would not be funny to a Japaneseoh, just take it as some words, most of us dont understand jap anyway :D
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Originally posted by latte kid:
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
HAHAHA. nice Sign language
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Originally posted by latte kid:
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
no pu55y for u
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There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.
She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.
He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."
The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!! -
OWNED. 0 inches
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What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW! -
A guy went to a whorehouse in Bangkok and tells the pimp he wants a ‘white tiger’ (one with a shaven pussy)
The pimp directs him to room 13.
Upon opening the door of room 13, the guy sees a naked girl, with her legs spread open, lying on the bed. He also sees a dark patch on her crotch.
He goes back to the pimp and tells him: “I think you made a mistake. I want a white tiger, with no hair below. The girl in room 13 is not a white tiger”
The pimp says he is very sure the girl in room 13 is one and brings the guy back to the room.
Again, upon opening the door, they see the same girl, naked on the bed and sure enough, there’s a dark patch on her crotch.
The pimp led the guy into the room, went close to the girl and tells the guy: “She is white tiger”.
He then wave his hand over her crotch and all the flies flew away.
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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.
On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"!