'DIRTY' JOKES
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you guys might have hear this
once who have a farmer who have 3 daughter,
the 3 daughter have their first date at the same time.
Farmer being protective over her daughter,
the farmer decided to wait for the suitors with a shotgun
the first guy arrived, the farmer opened the door, and he said
"hi, my name is joe, im here for flow, we are going to the show, is she ready to go?"
the farmer thought he was ok, and sent the daughter off with him
the 2nd guy arrived, and he said
"my name is eddie, im here for bettie, we are going to get some spaghetti, is she ready?"
the farmer too thought he was alright, and so sent the second daughter off
then the last guy arrived.
"hi, my name is chuck"
and the farmer shot him. -
er.... i...dun understand
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joe flow show go
eddie bettie spaghetti ready
chuck fuck suck
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hi, my name is chuck, i am here for miss McCluck, wish us luck, cause we are going to...
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here goes 2nd one
An American business man went to Japan, and one day he decided to hire some hooker,
the whole night the hooker was screaming "hoshimota! hoshimota!"
he cant really remember what the word meant, but he is positive he please the hooker till the best of his ability.
the next morning, he plays golf with the japanese business partner, when he score hole in one. Everyone was congratulating him in Japanese, he cant think of anything to say but, "hosimota".
Out of concern, his partner ask him what does he mean wrong hole? -
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There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said,
"Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of Water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........." -
A Primary School teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the Primary 1. My sister is in Primary 3
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary 3 too!"
The teacher took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the
outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Primary 1, and
behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in. The conditions were
explained, and Harry agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
H! arry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a Primary 1
student should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to Primary 3."
The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some tougher questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two?"
Harry: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The
principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do when a man steps in?"
Harry: "Pants."
Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut."
Teacher: "What goes in hard ! and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum."
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and
dog do
on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do." Who am I?
Harry: "A Tent."
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first." What am I? (Principal was looking restless
and a bit tense)
Harry: "A Wedding Ring."
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, I feel good." What am I?
Harry: "A Nose."
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver." What am I?
Harry: "An Arrow."
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put this
ass in Primary 6! I got the last 10 questions all wrong myself." -
"Hi, my name is chuck. Im here for luck. We are going to fuck. Is she ready to suck?"
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Originally posted by uponAStaR:
er.... i...dun understand
Chuck Norris
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Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning.
Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says:
"Okay, well, at least we can eat it."
So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head gangster said:
"Well, at least they left something for us to eat"
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people." -
haahaa
stupid...
pudding?!!....
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Eeewww.. what's abt tt chuck joke?>
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for those who dont get chuck joke, that is because chuck rhymes with fuck. (:
here goes another one,
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says, "Amy! What seems to be the rush?
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it." -
Originally posted by latte kid:
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said,
"Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you A wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of Water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and Immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so Contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."wow. that's dirty...
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A Singapore Chinese couple migrated to France and after a few days settled at their new house in France. One day, after the husband had gone to work, the wife decided to go to the market to buy some chicken wings to cook for her husband. When she arrived at the market, she found the store selling poultry. As she was unable to speak french, she had some difficulty telling the french storekeeper that she wanted 6 chicken wings. She thought of an idea and started pointing and flapping her arms and showing 6 fingers. The storeowner understood and packed 6 chicken wings for her.
On her 2nd visit there, she wanted to buy 6 drumsticks and so she went to the same storeowner. She lifted her skirt to show her thigh and made some chicken sounds. The storeowner understood and packed 6 chicken drum sticks for her.
On her 3rd visit to the same store, she wanted to buy 6 sausages to cook for her husband. However, no matter how she gesticulated, the storeowner could not understand her. Feeling frustrated, she went home and then brought her husband to the storeowner !!!
If you are laughing, I do not know what you were thinking but the actual reason she brought her husband there was because her husband could speak french !!!!!
What were you thinking !!!???? -
this one not dirty joke, but some joke i found talking bout Singapore.
This is Singapore
In Singapore, living in Highly Dangerous Building (HDB), most people have already gotten used to Pay And Pay (PAP), not only pay, you Pay Until Broke (PUB).
If that is not enough, somebody still Purposely Want to Dig (PWD) from you. What can you do if you are in the Money Only Environment (MOE).
With the current Mad Accounting System (MAS), you are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead (PSA) which make some people Purposely Owe Some Banks (POSB) and living on Loan Techniques Always (LTA).
When you are sick, you might be able to use the Cash Prior to Funeral (CPF) fund if you happen to be admitted to the Money Operating Hospital (MOH) on time. If you are in sure bad luck, you may meet doctor who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you and that would make you to Sure Give up Hope (SGH). When that happens, Call Home (CH), you deserve a better place to recuperate.
To help to ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash On Expressway (COE). If that don't help, the Lousy Tax Accounting (LTA), can always Every time Raise Price (ERP) on the road.
If you don't own a car, you can always go for the Mad Rush to Train (MRT) and get squashed Side By Side (SBS). -
dude, your jokes are awesome!
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haha ty maskedangel, glad u like it (:
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The other day I went to the local religious book store and I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go Jesus Christ, Go!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And it's a good thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. -
buay tahan
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A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!." -
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a
gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
"Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to
a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
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chey..all copied from laksa
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hehe :D dun spoil the fun mah, sharing with ppl who are innocent never go laksa b4 de (: