Somemore jokes
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In Charge
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain........ I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Arsehole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the arsehole very mad. To prove his point, the arsehole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 - The other organs agreed to let the arse be in charge.
*MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ARSEHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE* -
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (anyone)
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's
this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan ( no one ) was
involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being
sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then
the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't
have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!! -
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning.
Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says:
"Okay, well, at least we can eat it."
So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head gangster said:
"Well, at least they left something for us to eat"
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest sp-erm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people." -
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Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a
woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!"she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day! -
Wife: You always carry my photo in your bag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you.
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?' -
jokes and humor forum please. dont spam noiseology.
laurence u and get ready to get bendz from this guy name laurence82. -
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap. -
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire" -
i will bendz u personallyOriginally posted by popmynutsy:jokes and humor forum please. dont spam noiseology.
laurence u and get ready to get bendz from this guy name laurence82. -
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Hehehe....lame....especially the sp-erm bank LOL
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the sperm bank one is a advertisment lai de...
it is about robber go rob bank but no wear spec and rob a sperm one instead of a money bank... -
i posted on utube and noiseology recentlyOriginally posted by popikachu:the sperm bank one is a advertisment lai de...
it is about robber go rob bank but no wear spec and rob a sperm one instead of a money bank...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmFvcnMDQ1o -
LIFE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime _____________________________ SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. -
*udon makes mental note to be an asshole for the rest of his life*
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u should add ur spei2m bank vid over hereOriginally posted by laurence82:Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning.
Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says:
"Okay, well, at least we can eat it."
So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head gangster said:
"Well, at least they left something for us to eat"
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest sp-erm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people." -
pls read back a few postsOriginally posted by shinta:u should add ur spei2m bank vid over here
-_-!!!!!!!! -
I like these.Originally posted by laurence82:_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. -
Especially the give up seat joke. -
x1,048,576
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my arse???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."
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Two elderly residents were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what youÂ’re wanting; for $5 IÂ’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didnÂ’t say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 IÂ’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 IÂ’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening youÂ’ve ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple moments starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man with a satisfied smirk.
"Get serious," she finally says, rolling her eyes. "I want four times in the rocking chair."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open.
His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.
He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.
When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my Jaguar parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tyres." -
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was the secretary fired
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some are kinda old.