Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
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What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are
urs???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
**********
Two men met while both were looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
**********
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend also my son,
that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we
should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints...
**********
Friend to sardar: Why are u going for a birth control surgery for the
ninth time?
sardar: What to do yaar, my wife still keep getting pregnant.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Blonde, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here our Blonde came again,looking very heated up. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her,"Is something wrong?"
To which the ferocious Blonde replied, " There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."
Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"
Two guys were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ? "
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My butt itches, and I can't scratch it!"
What job ads really mean
Competitive salary
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
Join our fast-paced company
We have no time to train you.
Casual work atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Some overtime required
Some every night and some every weekend.
Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail
We have no quality assurance.
Career-minded
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
Problem-solving skills a must
You're walking into perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good communication skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
A Geylang “Ah-Long” Bookie finds out that his Runner has screwed him out of $500K; his Runner is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf Runner would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Ah-Long goes to shakedown the Runner about his missing $500K, he brings along his Lawyer, who knows sign language. The Ah-Long asks the Runner: "Where is the 500K you embezzled from me?"
The Lawyer, using sign language, asks the Runner where the money is hidden.
The Runner signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Ah-Long: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. That's when the Ah-Long pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the Runner's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!
The Lawyer signs to the Runner: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The Runner signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind carpark C at Mount Faber!
The Ah-Long asks the Lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The Lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His girlfriend stops reading as he says "Honey, this is the pig I screwed when you have a headache."
His girlfriend looks disgusted and says "I think if you look again you will notice that is a sheep, you idiot!"
And the guy replies "I think if you look again you will notice that I am not talking to you”.
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up,damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account,now!"
"I'm very sorry sir,but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bit*h giving you a hard time?"
Last night was my last night in prison.
There was this new guy in the cell next to me. The guy that was already in there was this really big guy who loved to **** with the new guys, but he wasn't actually one of those ass-rapers. Just a really funny big guy.
Anyway, this new guy started crying randomly, and the big guy said "Hey, don't cry, you're my bitch now." That made the new guy cry even harder.
Big guy says "come on, let's play a game. we'll play 'house', ok?"
New guy says "What... what do you mean?"
Big guy says "We'll play house. You know, like when we were kids. Do you wanna be the husband or the wife?"
New guy says quickly, "husband! I'll be the husband!", thinking he's got his ass covered by being the husband.
Big guy says "Ok, you're the husband. Now get the **** down here and suck your wife's dick."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single
day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have
been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired,you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
A man, called to an audit asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'
Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,'
Replied the buddy.
'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the audit?'
The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"
Growing Penis
A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off.
The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board. She frowns and rubs it off.
The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space.
She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it getting bigger each day?"
Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
Grandfather
Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa replies back, "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
Little Johnny responds, "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says, "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
Little Johnny responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, grandpa and grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but little Johnny says, "I just won $50,000!"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"
"Yes," says grandpa.
"Then go f*ck yourself."
Little Johnny and his friends are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The Tom says:" Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The Peter says:" Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
The Johnny listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a Government employee. He stops working at 4:30pm and he is home by 3:45pm!"
