Jokes Thread Part 2. *Laughs*
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To continue from this Jokes Thread.
http://noiseology.sgforums.com/?action=thread_display&thread_id=169101
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside." -
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she
lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck uddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested.
"I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments
later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the
bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!!
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.00. -
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
* Work out Barbie for $19.95
* Shopping Barbie for $19.95
* Beach Barbie for $19.95
* Disco Barbie for $19.95
* Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
* Ken's Car,
* Ken's House,
* Ken's Boat,
* Ken's Furniture,
* Ken's Computer and...
* One of Ken's Friends -
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Drunk and falling down
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again." -
Who's embarrassed now?
A VERY shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar counter.
After an hour of the gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively:"Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs:"No.I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is starring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table totally red-faced.
After a few mintues, the woman walks over to him and apologises.
She smiles at him and says:"I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The man responds, at the top of his lungs:"No,I will not pay $200!" -
3 Men went skiing on the Alphs, When the arrived the 1st man said '' Lets get room at the lodge first ''. They all agreed and went, when they reached the hotel, the asked the manager for 3 king sized rooms with king sized beds. The manager then replied '' sorry, but we only have ONE king size rooms with king sized bed left.
The 3 men disscused and then said '' Ok we will share the bed ''.
The went up to their room and started packing, in the afternoon, the went out and skii. Then evening came, the came back to the lodge all shacked and tired...
They cleaned up and went to bed.
The next morning the guy on the left said '' I had the best dream in the world!! A pretty girl Bj me!!! ''
Then The second guy said '' Mine was better the girl was 69ing me!''
Guess what the guy in the middle said??
Guy in the middle" I WENT SKIING!!! (The skiing action where the hands go front and back, get it?) -
great. now u've ruined the joke.Originally posted by sand king:3 Men went skiing on the Alphs, When the arrived the 1st man said '' Lets get room at the lodge first ''. They all agreed and went, when they reached the hotel, the asked the manager for 3 king sized rooms with king sized beds. The manager then replied '' sorry, but we only have ONE king size rooms with king sized bed left.
The 3 men disscused and then said '' Ok we will share the bed ''.
The went up to their room and started packing, in the afternoon, the went out and skii. Then evening came, the came back to the lodge all shacked and tired...
They cleaned up and went to bed.
The next morning the guy on the left said '' I had the best dream in the world!! A pretty girl Bj me!!! ''
Then The second guy said '' Mine was better the girl was 69ing me!''
Guess what the guy in the middle said??
Guy in the middle" I WENT SKIING!!! (The skiing action where the hands go front and back, get it?) -
DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already! -
HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"... -
RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!
HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo. Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"
DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."
VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED " -
nice dude sweet....
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Dr. M was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space. Three
potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one
Malay and one Chinese.
Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous
mission ... How much do you think you should be paid for it?"
Muthu thinks to himself and says, "One million ringgit." "Why so much?"
asks Dr. M. "Nowadays toddy very expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu. "I
see," says Dr. M. "Thank you ... please ask the Malay guy to come here,"
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question. "Uh...2 million
boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant. "Two million? That's a lot of
money! Even the aneh before you only asked for one million!"
"You see, Datuk," explains Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children ... so
20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."
"I see," says Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come here
now?"
The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous
mission, how much do you think you should be paid?" Ah Chong thinks for
a while, and suddenly says, "3 million." Mahathir is shocked.
"What?!?!"
3 million? Why so much?!"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers, "One million you
keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send the aneh
into space." -
Originally posted by carpe diem jur:Dr. M was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space. Three
potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one
Malay and one Chinese.
Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous
mission ... How much do you think you should be paid for it?"
Muthu thinks to himself and says, "One million ringgit." "Why so much?"
asks Dr. M. "Nowadays toddy very expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu. "I
see," says Dr. M. "Thank you ... please ask the Malay guy to come here,"
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question. "Uh...2 million
boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant. "Two million? That's a lot of
money! Even the aneh before you only asked for one million!"
"You see, Datuk," explains Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children ... so
20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."
"I see," says Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come here
now?"
The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous
mission, how much do you think you should be paid?" Ah Chong thinks for
a while, and suddenly says, "3 million." Mahathir is shocked.
"What?!?!"
3 million? Why so much?!"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers, "One million you
keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send the aneh
into space."
true true -
waaaaaaaa!!! hahahaha ROFLMAOOriginally posted by carpe diem jur:RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!
HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo. Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"
DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."
VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED " -
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a taxi driver - I've been driving a van carrying Dead Bodies for the last 25 years ...... -
Jokes to share...
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO. As his paper disappeared insidethe machine,"I just need one copy."
Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of ese are you?" Confused, the Japanese replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean. The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkey, or monkee?"
Lesson II - Never insult anyone.
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, a British and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted
WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman
was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's
turn, he did the same and shouted," VODKA" and immersed himself into a
pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running
towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped
towards the pool and shouted, SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Lesson III - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes
what you say accidentally does happen.
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a
meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are
three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouts, I
want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and
have no worries for a month. "Pfufffff, and he is gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouts, "I want to be in
Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails for a
month."
Pfufffff, and he is also gone. Then it's the boss's turn, and he says
calmly "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch"
Lesson IV- "Always allow the bosses to speak first".