Little Johnny Jokes
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"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'" -
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." -
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!" -
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom.
Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied...
"What ya gonna do, f#ck him?" -
"Thanks so much for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I've ever got."
"Well Johnny, that's great," smiled his Uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?"
"Oh, no, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night." -
Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.
"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio." -
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny glows, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week." -
One day Lil Jony says to his father: I want to get married.
Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?
Johny: Yes , Gradma
Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?
Johny: Why not? You married my mother -
The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students: "Now tell me. What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Little Johnny in the back bench replied: "A teacher." -
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said
"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking." -
Little Johnny's neighbour had just had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. But before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a serious talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the word 'ears', he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny then added, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will most likely have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "because he'd be f***ed if he needed glasses." -
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Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with
the
> >worms.
> >
> >
> >Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
> >
> >
> >The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
> >
> >
> >The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
> >
> >
> >The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
> >
> >
> >The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
> >
> >
> >After one day, these were the results:
> >
> >
> >The first worm in alcohol - dead.
> >
> >
> >The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
> >
> >
> >The third worm in sperm - dead.
> >
> >
> >The fourth worm in soil - alive.
> >
> >
> >So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from
this
> >experiment?"
> >
> >
> >Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you
drink,
> >smoke and have sex, you won't have worms! -
tis is funnyOriginally posted by carpe diem jur:Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom.
Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied...
"What ya gonna do, f#ck him?" -
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Little Johnny wakes up several nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents` room.
Finally, one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well, I`m bouncing on his stomach because he`s fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won`t work!" His mom says, "Why not?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back up! -
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once again, again the fly didn't fly away. This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.
Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my dick." -
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out." -
Oh My... !!!!
Little Johnny was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
Little Johnny said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait." -
Little Johnny wants to do it with his teacher but she always refuses. One day, finally he suggests "Ok how about if I gave you $1 million, would you do it?"
The teacher, in an attempt to end it all replies a bit amused "With a $1 million? Sure I'll do it with you."
Little Johnny: "How about for 50 bucks?"
Teacher: "Hold it there young man what do you think I am?"
Little Johnny: "I know what you are. I'm just bargaining on the price." -
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.'
He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore." -
Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors.
His mother suggested to his father that they buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior?" he said, surprised.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area." -
The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina."
She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."
Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."
"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.
My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny., "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"