This is the actual message that answers calls to the NHS Mental Health Helpline:
"If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly. If you have multiple personalities, press 2,3,4, & 5. If you are paranoid, we know who you are, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what to do.
If you are delusional, press 6 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you have manic depression, it doesn't matter what you press, no-one will answer anyway.
If you have amnesia, press 7 and state your name, address, date of birth, telephone number, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post traumatic stress, press 8 very gently, slowly and carefully.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk to you anyway".
