Jokes~~!! Damn funny !!!
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. -
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
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A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!" -
A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Ooh My...
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Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says "My what a magnificent ring."
Her friend relies, "Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes
with my husband!" Gud one !! -
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
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Woman says: I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
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Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a
beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I'm here to activate your telephone lines."
Lau kui !! -
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he
would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple
of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?" She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!" -
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart blonde joke. -
The "Tickle me Elmo" factory just got a new employee. One day two guys go to the boss and complain about the new worker. So the boss goes to see the lady and they find her with a lot of Elmo's and a big bag of marbles and some red fabric. The lady is carefully putting two marbles in a piece of red fabric and then sewing that between Elmo's legs. The boss starts laughing and says, "I told you to give Elmo two test tickles not two testicles!"
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"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." -
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You >
have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must
also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.
"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that`s really none of my business
either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a this china man also in the
movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the
butt.The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling
that she was going to bark." -
George Bush is visiting the Queen Elizabeth of
England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such
an
efficient government? Are there any tips you can
give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing
is
to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people
around me
are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea.
Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an
intelligence riddle.
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
Please send
The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your
mother and father have a child. It is not your brother
and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That
would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice
president, Dick Cheney.
Dick, answer this for me.
Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get
back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every
one,
but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and
recognizes
Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not
your
brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to
speak
with Bush.
Say, I did some research and I have the answer to
that
riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and
angrily
yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!" -
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
* Work out Barbie for $19.95
* Shopping Barbie for $19.95
* Beach Barbie for $19.95
* Disco Barbie for $19.95
* Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
* Ken's Car,
* Ken's House,
* Ken's Boat,
* Ken's Furniture,
* Ken's Computer and...
* One of Ken's Friends. -
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" -
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times." -
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
So Evil !!!! -
A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"
To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!"
The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts.
He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music."
"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!" -
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse phoned." -
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Ouuhh sh!t !!! -
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old
lady,
" why don't you eat the peanuts yourselves?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people.