Jokes~~!! Damn funny !!!
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Originally posted by carpe diem jur:ohh sh!t !!
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." -
China man saw accident, he call police but dun noe English. He said "one
car come, one car go, one car no brake, one car no stop, 2 car ping
ping piangpiang, pls call e or e or." -
Lulu was a prostitute.
One day there was a raid.
All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took
them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and s*ck'em dry!"
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion." -
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. S.T. Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later, he recieved this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he. He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.
Dumbass !!! -
Ooh my GOD !!!!!!
A farmer had ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his dick into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his dick.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry Sir" replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons!!" -
An elderly woman walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhatten Bank due to the large amount of money involved.
The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to $3 million, he phoned the President to make the appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introductions were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did businness with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No" she answered
"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.
"No", She replied
He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money.
"I won it by betting" she stated.
"As in horses?"
"No", she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day-how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explained to the President that he was her Lawyer and she always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake.
"Well", she asked,"What about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile,"But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square.
The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked.
"Oh, him", She answered, " I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." -
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." -
OOH SH!T !!!!
While walking through the Northern California woods, a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK...". So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the f@#k happened to you?" He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around
behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day..." -
One day a little girl was sitting
and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair
sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother
and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her
mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought
about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of
grandma's hairs are white
muahuahaahahar !!!!!!!! -
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how
nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up 30years later and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, She's dead. "
hahahaaahaahaar !!!!!! -
After digging to a depth of 1000 feet last year, Malaysian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a thousand years ago.
Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, Indonesian scientists dug 2000 feet and headlines in the Jakarta Post reads: "Indon scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibre, and have concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital network a thousand years earlier than the Malaysians."
One week later, the Straits Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 feet, Singapore scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors were already using wireless technology. -
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation." -
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An Australian couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...! " -
Two guys are out in the woods hiking.
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear..."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you...
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A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a
journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and
what their names were; she said 'Kelvin'.
'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?
'Kelvin', she said.
'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?'
'Kelvin', she said.
'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball 'Kelvin', she said.
'Are all your boys called Kelvin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly
complicated?'
'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually.
When I shout: Kelvin, tea is ready!, they all come.
When I say: Kelvin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.
'I see'. But what if you want only one of them?
'No problem.' she answers.
'Then I call them by their surnames'. -
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.
He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. " -
# When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why. -
A husband said to his wife,
"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." -
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
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The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
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How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done. -
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here." -
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.