Jokes~~!! Damn funny !!!
-
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." -
A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each
hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the
other
upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and
with the bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced
enough to have learned not to ask people about animals they bring
into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.
They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the
ducks had to go to the restroom. He left the ducks there on the
bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward
silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to
break the ice and try to make a little conversation.
"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second
duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles
all day myself. If I had the chance on another day I'd do the same
again!" said the duck in reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be
Louie?"
"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of
day I've had." -
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate?" she yells. "Karate my ass!" -
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle,
she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her
sister's, which were on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla
retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped
on the bed and whispered, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet
are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour,
but it was stuck fast.
"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
'See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to
the throne.
At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!" -
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, woke him up and gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." -
Separated from his travel group in the Sahara Desert, a tourist begged a passing nomad for water. "Sorry," said the tribesman. "I have no water, but I do have a selection of lovely ties for sale.""You must be crazy," the tourist replied. Close to death from thirst, he saw another nomad. "Water!" he gasped. "Give me some water.""I have no water," came the reply, "only these handsome ties that I'd be glad to sell you."The tourist stumbled on until, to his astonishment, he saw a magnificent hotel far in the distance. Crawling at last into the lobby, he croaked, "Please give me water.""I'm sorry, sir," the doorman said. "We don't let anyone in without a tie."
-
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?" -
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." -
While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be classed as
outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent away as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Branch Manager
A second note following the report:
XXXXXX WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATIVE LINES 1,3,5,7,... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
REGARDS,
Sd/-
Branch Manager -
Sex in the dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids." -
duplicate
-
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The
> >sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers
that
> he
> >is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the
> >correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
> balls
> >and a ball of string on the counter.
> >
> >
> >She says, confused,
> >
> >
> >"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
> >
> >
> >He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife
to
> >the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a
tin
> of
> >
> >tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's soooooooo much
cheaper.
> >So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she." -
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step
> >into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
> >Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
> >bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and
> >heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees
three
> >nuns heading his way.
> >
> >
> >Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
> >he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
> >The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his
manhood.Startled,
> >he drops a bar of soap.
> >
> >
> >"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
> >To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure
> >enough he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to
> >have a go.
> >
> >
> >She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So
she
> >gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God -
Hand
> >Lotion, too!" -
There once was a very good old barber in New
> > > > York.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the
> > > > barber replies: "I am
> > > > > sorry. I cannot accept money from you.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > I am doing community service." The Florist is
> > > > happy and leaves the shop.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The next morning when the barber goes to open his
> > > > shop, there is a thank
> > > > > you
> > > > > card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes
> > > > to pay the barber after
> > > > > the
> > > > > cut.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot
> > > > accept money from you. I am
> > > > > doing community service." The cop is happy and
> > > > leaves the shop.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The next morning the barber goes to open his
> > > > shop; there is a thank you
> > > > > card
> > > > > and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > A Singaporean software engineer goes for a
> > > > haircut and he also goes to
> > > > pay
> > > > >
> > > > > the barber after the cut.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot
> > > > accept money from you. I am
> > > > > doing community service." The Singaporean
> > > > software engineer is happy and
> > > > > leaves.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The next morning when the barber goes to open his
> > > > shop, guess what he
> > > > > finds
> > > > > there...
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Can you guess?
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Come on, think like a Singaporean....
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Have you got the answer?
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Come on. Guess
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
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> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
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> > > > >
> > > > >
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> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > A dozen Singaporeans are waiting for a free
> > > > haircut! -
Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahöªöª..
>
>
>
>This just-married Chinese coupled decide to make love
>on their wedding
>night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The
>wife did not want to
>get pregnant and requested the husband to buy condom
>from the shop nearby.
>
>When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously
>in the room with all
>the lights switched off... While the husband was out,
>an Indian thief came
> into the room.
>
>The wife did not notice and thought that it was her
>husband. She grabbed
>the Indian and happily screwed away.The wife was so
>exhausted that she
>fell asleep immediately.
>
>In the mean time, the husband had a hard time looking
>for a shop that sold
>condoms and when he finally found one, he realized
>that he had only one
>20-sen coin.
>
>He asked the shop owner to sell him one piece of
>condom and the shop owner
>asked him which quality that he wanted.
>
>"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 sen each.
>
>The black condom, average quality, is 20 sen each.
>
>And purple condom, the highest quality, is 25 sen
>each".
>
>So, the husband chose the black condom as he had only
>20 sen with him.
>
>When he reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
>Without a warning,
>he jumped onto his wife and started making love. The
>wife was surprised
>that the husband was so energetic after the "first"
>session.
>
>A year later, the wife gave birth to a "black" baby
>boy.
>
>When the baby grows up, he asks the father, "Pa, why
>am I black and you
>are white?"
>
>The father replied, "You are damn lucky already
>boy......5 sen more and
>you would be PURPLE now!!!!!!" -
The wife comes home early &finds her husband in
their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are
you do ing? How dare you do
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of
your children! I'm leaving
this house, I want a divorce!" The husband,
replies, "Wait, Wait a
minute! Before you leave, at least listen to
what happened"
"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last
thing I will hear from
you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"
The husband begins to tell his story .
"While driving home this young lady asks for a
ride. I saw her so
defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her
in my car.I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very
dirty. She mentioned that
she had
not eaten for 3 days. Wi th great compassion
and hurt, I brought her
home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made
for you last night that
you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
gain weight; the poor
thing, practically devours them. Since she was
very dirty I asked her to
take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes
were dirty and full of
holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she
needed clothes, I gave her
the pair
of jeans that you have had for a few years,
that you can no longer wear
because they are too tight on you, I also gave
her the blouse that I
gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear
because I don't have good
taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister
gave you for Christmas
that you will not wear just to bother my sister
and I also gave her the
boots that you
bought at the expensive boutique that you never
wore again after you saw
your co -worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . "The young
woman was very grateful to
me and I walked her to the door. When we got to
the door she turned
around and with tears coming out of her eyes,
she asks me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife
does not use?????" -
ohh sh!t !!
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." -
A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,"What's the deal with the jar of money?"
"Well", the bartender says,"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!"
The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves.
About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there.
"What's the deal now?" He asks.
"Well",the bartender says,"That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!"
The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.
"Alright", he says,"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!"
"Easy", he says,"I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!" -
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
-
Employer: why do you feel, i should appoint you as a clerk in my office.
Candidate:I am a very responsible person sir. In my last organisation what ever thing went wrong, they said, "I am responsible for that". -
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
"So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?". "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..........but realistically.........we're living with two Sluts and a Queer." -
President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks President Bush if he would like to lead the discussion of the word 'tragedy.'
So the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a 'tragedy'."
"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains President Bush. "That's what we would call a 'great loss'."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If Air Force One carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a' tragedy'."
"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss', and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either". -
A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel,
in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and
spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the
matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it
looks like it can't wait to eat me." -
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets
to Pittsburgh."
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian
slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to
say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You
fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'" -
A crusty US Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There were lots of young, idealistic ladies
in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major," she said, eyeing him interestingly "but you seem to be very serious.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major replied stern-faced, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said wriggling her eyebrows cheekily, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am!," replied the Sergeant Major huskily, "a lotta of action."
"You should lighten up a little," she winked. "Relax and enjoy yourself.
Now, don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had
sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
"Well, there you are!," she exclaimed. "No sex since 1955! That's a long
time."
"You think so?" he replies, glancing at his watch. " It's only 2030 now."