Jokes~~!! Damn funny !!!
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How can you tell when your wife is really aroused in bed?
She puts down her nail file.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something really clever?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me.."
How do you repair a woman's watch?
You don't need to. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is shouting through the letter box, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. -
One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"The good news," replied Adam.
"Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
"OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?"
"I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."
Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How can you tell if a man is really well hung?
When you can just slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do men and tights have in common?
They're both apt to cling, run, and never fit properly between your legs.
What is the real difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Why do men like smart, sexy women?
Opposites attract.
Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for men than for women?
Men don't need to be regressed back to their childhood.
Why are well-dressed men always married?
Because their wife chooses their clothes for them.
What do you call a man with only half a brain?
Gifted.
Why are men such wankers?
Because they have a willy with a head but no brains that hangs out with two nuts and lives next door to an arsehole.
What do a beer bottles and men have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
Why can women never find their way to a man's heart?
Because they aim too high.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why don't women talk during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.
Why does it take three million sperm to fertilize one single egg?
Because they're too stupid to ask for directions.
How does a man show a woman that he is planning for the future?
He buys ten cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and premium bonds?
Premium bonds might mature.
Why are most jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
No one knows because it's never been done.
Why is it so difficult for women to pick up men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They're all gay
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night.
A widow.
Why do married women weigh more than single women?
Single women come home and see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, take one look at what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to go down on a woman?
Put the TV remote between her legs.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God answered: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replied: "So she would love a wanker like you." -
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." -
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could REALLY learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same old cow." -
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks. -
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either..but you get my drift -
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?" -
A man checked into a hotel in DELHI.There was a computer in his room,so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in MUMBAI, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages
from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: June 3, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to! seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It is damn hot down here !!! -
Ooh My....!!!
*Disclaimer: The below is strictly a joke. No offence is intended nor directed to anyone reading it*
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass." -
Another happy marriage...
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his
old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to
have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She
opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India,
etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the
bar..you know... they
have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the
wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy
Face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding
it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie
Roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are
really delicious...I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened
the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know,
there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP
DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN,
SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN
FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS
ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING
BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
and, they lived happily ever after. power sia !! -
Cursing Problem
Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his fatherÂ’s getting tired of it.
He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”
Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”
On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”
Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a bitch!” -
Supermarket
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her! -
The Dentist
A guy & a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!" -
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." -
Woman in bed with husband's best friend, phone rings! "YES".. OK, BYE".
She turns to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU. -
Yesterday's A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park. -
The Hypnotist !!
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that , he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror
and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral services will be held on Monday. -
Sand paper??
A shop owner employed a new shopkeeper. One day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a bottle of kerosene. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back
and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of kerosene this morning."
The customer left. After the shop owner came back, the shopkeeper informs him about the incident.
The shop owner was angry: "Why you never recommend something similar like the paint thinner? We still got a lot of paint thinner in our store."
Another day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a roll of toilet paper. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of toilet
paper this morning, would you like to get some sand paper instead?" -
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled
for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always
carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." -
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. -
Prayer
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!" -
Team Spirit
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother." -
60 minutes present
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!" -
Innocent Ger
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework." -
Train Ride
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."