Muslim Adult Woman Wants to Move Out of Home
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Hello all, I am a 30 year old Muslim woman (working professional) living with a mother who is in her late 50s (healthy and retired). There are only the 2 of us living in a flat, my elder sister got married 5 year ago and left. The relationship between mother and me has been quite a strange one. I feel as a 30 uear old that I should be given my independence to lead the life as how I see it right. This of course does not mean I will run amok and disregard all the values and teachings I have cultivated growing up...
I have a curfew to be home by midnight and I am not able to freely meet friends or date as I constantly need to ask for permission if I want to go out and this too will be on a given day or time. I have of course always tried to divide time between work and being at home but I also feel as a 30 year old woman living and having brought up in a civilised, quite liberal and modern city (Singapore) that there is also the want and need to have time for friends, for myself, to meet new people, to date... I feel that it is always so hard to do all this without getting into heated arguements with my mother who thinks I am selfish and am not being "balanced". It hurts me as I always try to divide my time... but also because of this I generally just gave up trying to meet up with friends or socialise. Recently, I have met a man and it has been difficult to date freely and let our relationship grow. I have always refrained from being in any relationships for the fear that this will be a huge issue and strain on the relationship - and this is proving to be true. However, the man I am seeing now has been extremely patient and tolerant. As it is not Ramadhan, I onyl see him once a week for about 3 hours. That too, with my mother's permission.
I am now starting to doubt if I should carry on the relationship since I am now gettined stressed out with the arguements I have with my mother, the pressures on the relationship with the boyfriend and it's just really tiring to the point that it affects my work and thinking - I have even started to see a therapist.
That is why I am now thinking of moving out on my own so I would have my own space to grow as an individual. Not necessarily to cut ties with my mother and family, nor is it to denounce my religion as being a Muslim women but merely and ultimately to gain my space and freedom as an individual and as a human being.
I know that this will cause a huge uproar with my mother and family, and there will be fears of talk within neaighbours/relatives/sister's in-laws etc. But am I to throw out my right to grow and live my life now that I am 30? I don't know what to do and I seek advice... Please be mindful that we live in a practical world and although there is culture, values and religion; I also believe that we are individual human beings...
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nice post.
I don't know much about the customs, but from what u said it sounds like abit of a dillema.
So does your mother know about this guy and the kind of relationship you are having with him? Or are the arguments and disagreement mainly based on misunderstandings?
Moving out would be one option, but like u mentioned, if it's going to have consequences on a wider scale then you might have to weigh it up and see what is important to you. Would you say you are very religious/want to uphold the religious customs?
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Yes.. the dichotomy of cultural/obligations/responsibilities vs pursuit of your own happiness and your right as a human being with liberties and autonomy.
DIfficult it is... decide you must.
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Yes Master Yoda. Taught me well, you have.
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its your life, no matter what good intentions your mum had, when it makes you sad, it's no longer a good intention, it became a suppression.
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All the values and teachings you have cultivated growing up is still not enough. Probably, you mother might have hidden "some profound" value and teachings that she did not impart to you. Argument of your sort arise because of poor values and teachings. If you move out in that kind of attributes, it may ruin your peace and your love towards your mother may be adrift apart, apart and apart. It is very sad for this to happen. Muslim community by and large has a supper strong family bonding and community spirit, and the quality of this sweet bonding should be expanded to other communities as well. The space and freedom on earth is limited, the only way to gain unlimited space is to know the almighty space - Allah. Hopefully, you love your mother from true values and teachings of the Malay community way of life. May you and your family have an everlasting love and happy episode
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poor girl, super conservative mum
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She not married yet? 30yo? Malay female?... I sense some undercurrents....
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perhaps it is a little too late for me to reply, I can only say that if you do move out, do expect alot of pain and the unintended words such as a huge calamity will fall upon you if you leave. I know because these are the words and 'wishes' that my step father and father have placed upon me when I moved out. My mother has passed away due to a double stroke which left her paralysed, and without a home we can afford in Singapore, my stepfather, brother and I had to accomodate to living in my grandaunt's place. My brother is in his 30s and I felt the intrusion of my privacy in having to share a room with my brother. With my stepfather taking out his verbal blames on me, eventually I told them I have rented a place. My own privacy.
See what came about this was that I followed my mother and heeded her words since young. When she insists I do not work, I didn't work. I stayed with her at home, devoid of social life because she does not trust that I would stay in the correct path. She was too paranoid from watching all those shows about youngsters taking drugs and partying and drinking and eventually getting pregnant and it's because of these shows I had unwittingly found myself avoiding having any malay friends. And until now I still have problems trying to find a common interest with malay peers. I can tell you I regretted listening to her when I was still young. I should have not listen to her when she told me not to work, I should have not listen to her when she told me to stay by her side at home. I could have gone out and found work, earn money and the savings can be used to pay for a better hospital care.
My best advice for you, tell her straight that you have found a place to live. She will retaliate, she will be upset, she will be alone and she will be angry. She will think that you are abandoning her and she might even jinx you and say you would burn in hell. I can only tell you to be patient and endure all that is thrown at you, even the curses and condemnations. But if she cannot understand that you need your space, you just need to make sure she has cooled down. At least have someone else staying behind while you move out to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.
The one thing she is most afraid of is being alone and rejected. After you have left and have your own place to rent or live, you MUST call her and check on her to make sure she is alright. At least spend the next 30 days making the extra trip to go to her place and bring food and drinks, new curtains or utensils to let her know you did not forget her. Even small talks or silly questions that you already know you can still ask her over the phone to let her know that you still NEED her for guidance. This is my only suggestion if you are someone like me who is socially awkward, who have trouble trying to show concern expressively because of being outcasted. I cannot guarantee whether it will work because I never had the chance to tell my mother this along with how much I am sorry and how much I missed her.
I hope everything goes well for you