~Joke of the day~

• jetruby

  29 Oct 02, 00:10

  Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
  >After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life
  >together was, of course, perfect.
  >
  >One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
  >perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the
  side
  >of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to
  help.
  >
  >There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
  >disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
  >loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
  >
  >Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
  >
  >Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
  >couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
  >accident.
  >
  >Question: Who was the survivor?
  >
  >(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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  >Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
  >existed in the first place.
  >Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a
  >perfect man.
  >
  >**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
  >
  >**** Men keep scrolling.
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  >So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
  >been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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  >Men Keep scrolling
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  >By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
  illustrates
  >another point: Women never listen.
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• jetruby

  29 Oct 02, 00:41

  Add ons:
  
  A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m.then he found
  the
  > > > CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
  hand.
  > > > "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
  important=0D
  > > > document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing
  work?"
  > > > "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
  > > > inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
  > > > "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
  inside
  > > > the machine. "I just need one copy."
  > > >
  > > > Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
  > > >
  > > > **************************************************************
  > > > A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
  >window:
  >
  > > > "I want to open a damn checking account."
  > > > To which the astonished woman replies:
  > > > "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did
  you
  > > > say?"
  > > > "Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checkingaccount
  right
  > > > now!"
  > > > "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language
  in
  > > > this bank."
  > > > Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to
  the
  >bank
  >
  > >manager to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and
  the
  > >manager asks the old geezer:"What seems to be the problem here?"
  > > > "There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just
  won
  > > > 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn
  >checking
  > >account in this damn bank!"
  > > > "I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that
  this
  > > > bitch here is giving you a hard time?"
  > > >
  > > > Lesson II - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost
  anything.
  > > >
  > > > **********************************************************
  > > > An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way
  to LA
  > > > when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of
  -ese
  >are
  > >you?"
  > > > The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand
  what you
  > >mean."
  > > > The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the
  >Japanese
  > >was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then
  > >yelled,"What kind of -ese are you . Are you a Chinese, Japanese,
  >Vietnamese!
  > >, etc......???"
  > > > The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
  > > > A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What
  kind
  > > > of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you
  mean
  >what
  > >kindof '-key' am I?!"
  > > > The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
  > > >
  > > > Lesson III - Never insult anyone.
  > > >
  > > > **********************************************************
  > > >
  > > > There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and
  a=0D
  > > > French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the
  bottle,
  >a
  >
  > >genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the
  >bottle,
  > >he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of
  you a
  > >wish.
  > > > When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want
  the
  >pool
  >
  > >of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French
  wanted to
  > >start.
  > > > He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool
  >immediately
  >
  > >changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and
  > >drinking from the pool.
  > > > Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA"
  and
  > > > immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
  > > > The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so
  > > > contented with his beer pool.
  > > > The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when
  >suddenly
  >he
  > >steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
  > >"SHIT!!!!!!!........."
  > > >
  > > > Lesson IV - Think twice before you say something, because
  sometimes
  > >accidents do happen.
  
  
• Givache

  29 Oct 02, 00:42

  hmmmm
  
  alrite only lah..=p
  
  Givache
• ilse

  1 Nov 02, 15:45

  >>Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and
  >>deadly
  >>diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of
  >>being
  >>kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
  >>forwarding out 50 billion phuqing chain letters sent to me by
  >>people who
  >>actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year
  >>old
  >>girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to
  >>raise
  >>enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her
  >>off
  >>to the travelling freak show.
  >>
  >>Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and
  >>everyone you send "his" email to $1,000? How stupid are you? Ooooh,
  >>looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get
  >>laid by
  >>every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of crap.
  >>So basically, this message is a big fat UP YOURS to all the people
  >>out
  >>there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain
  >>mail
  >>forwards.
  >>Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment
  >>and
  >>taunt me in my sleep for not continuing the chain letter which was
  >>started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by
  >>midget
  >>pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2006,
  >>it'll be
  >>in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak
  >>of
  >>blatant stupidity. Screw them.
  >>
  >>If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
  >>mildly
  >>amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest
  >>friends, and
  >>this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a
  >>nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't
  >>give
  >>a damn. For crying out loud! Show a little intelligence and think
  >>about
  >>what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards.
  >>
  >>
  >>========THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS========
  >>
  >>Chain Letter Type 1:
  >>
  >>(scroll down)
  >>
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  >>Make a wish!!!
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  >>No, really, go on and make one!!!
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  >>Oh please get real, that person will NEVERRR go out with you!!!
  >>dream
  >>on.
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  >>Wish something else!!!
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  >>Not that, you pervert!!
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  >>Is your finger getting tired yet?
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  >>STOP!!!!
  >>
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  >>
  >>Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish
  >>
  >>Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do.
  >>First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5
  >>seconds, you'll be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high
  >>building
  >>into a huge lump of sheit. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't
  >>like
  >>all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
  >>
  >>Really!!! Here's how it goes...
  >>
  >>*Send this to 1 person:
  >>One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid
  >>chain
  >>letter.
  >>
  >>*Send this to 2-5 people:
  >>2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid
  >>chain
  >>letter.
  >>
  >>*Send this to 5-10 people:
  >>5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid
  >>chain
  >>letter, and may form a plot on your life.
  >>
  >>*Send this to 10-20 people:
  >>10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid
  >>chain
  >>letter and will napalm your house.
  >>
  >>Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
  >>
  >>---------------------Chain Letter Type 2---------------------------
  >>
  >>Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
  >>starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no
  >>legs,
  >>no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved,
  >>because
  >>for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the
  >>Little
  >>Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen
  >>Fund.
  >>Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails
  >>sent
  >>and this is all a complete load of bull. So go on, reach out. Send
  >>this
  >>to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you
  >>accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
  >>Thanks
  >>again!!
  >>
  >>---------------------Chain Letter Type 3---------------------------
  >>
  >>Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1697. This
  >>is
  >>absolutely iNcReDiBLe because there was no email then and probably
  >>not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is
  >>how it works:
  >>Pass this on to 25,790 people in the next 7 minutes or something
  >>drastically horrible will happen to you like:
  >>
  >>*Bizarre Horror Story #1..
  >>Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had
  >>recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a
  >>crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a
  >>drainpipe
  >>in a flood of SHIT, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only
  >>did
  >>she smell nasty, she died.
  >>This Could Happen To You!!!
  >>
  >>*Bizarre Horror Story #2..
  >>
  >>Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and
  >>ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his
  >>boyfriend (hey,
  >>some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and
  >>were
  >>cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
  >>This Could Happen To You Too!!!
  >>
  >>Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send
  >>this
  >>letter to all of your friends, and everything will be okay.
  >>
  >>---------------------Chain Letter Type 4---------------------------
  >>
  >>As if you care, here is a poem that I composed. Send it to every
  >>one of
  >>your friends.
  >>
  >>/++FRIENDS++\
  >>
  >>A friend is someone who is always at your side,
  >>A friend is someone who likes you eventhough you stink of holy
  >>shyt, and
  >>your breath smells like you've been eating cow dung all your whole
  >>life,
  >>A friend is someone who likes you eventhough you're as ugly as a
  >>hat
  >>full of assholes,
  >>A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled
  >>yourself,
  >>A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry
  >>about
  >>your sad, sad, miserable life,
  >>A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really
  >>think
  >>you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,
  >>A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums your whole
  >>house
  >>and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much
  >>English...
  >>-no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,
  >>A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he
  >>wants his
  >>wish of being rich to come true.
  >>
  >>Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.
  >>
  >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
  >>
  >>The point being?
  >>
  >>If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you
  >>sexless or
  >>luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
  >>If it promises you something free if you "forward this to 10
  >>people,"
  >>delete it.
  >>If it's funny, by all means, send it on! Don't piss people off by
  >>making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth,
  >>who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, and whose only
  >>saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this
  >>mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
  >>
  >>Now forward this to everyone you know, otherwise you'll be eaten by
  >>rabid squirrels when you leave your house tomorrow.
  >>
  >>
  >>My apology if you're not laughing.