I like the one abt ceiling fan.
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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One day an evil witch took over the forest,
''One-by-one, all of you useless animals have to come up here and
tell a joke... if everybody laughs, you will be spared... or else
I'll cut off your head!''
The monkey went up first and told such a funny joke that all the
animals laughed except fot a tortoise.. so the witch cut off his
head.
Next, a giraffe went up and she, in turn told a joke that set all the
animals off laughing... but still, the tortoise did not laugh...so
the witch cut off her head.
Then, the rabbit went up... but before she could say a word, the
tortoise started laughing...
''Why are you laughing you stupid tortoise?'' the witch asked.
"The monkey's joke was very funny...'' was the reply.
=========================================
One day, Mr. Caterpillar decided to hitch a ride to town. As he was
standing by the roadside, a family of bees came by in a little car
and offered him a ride
Gratefully, he accepted. After putting along merrily for a few
kilometers, the engine sputtered and the car rolled to a halt.
Without saying a word, Papa Bee alighted and urinated into the fuel
intake. When he turned the starter, the engine started up, much to Mr
Caterpillar's amazement!
However, he did not say a word. The car went on for quite some
distance before the engine died again. This time, it was Mother Bee
who urinated into the fuel intake, and again, the car started up
after that. The process was then repeated again for Baby Bee.
By the time the engine died for the fourth time, the little car was
only a few kilometers from town. Not wanting to appear
unsophisticated, Mr Caterpillar got out of the car without a word,
and started opening the fuel cap.
In a flash, Papa Bee got out of the car. "What are you doing?" asked
Papa Bee.
"I'm going to piss in the fuel intake, just like you did", said Mr
Caterpillar.
"Oh, no", said Papa Bee patiently, "that won't do. This car only runs
on Bee Pee (BP)."
=========================================
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up
to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared.
Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him.
The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer?
Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the
old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was
just wondering if you were my son."
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